you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Those nachos came to me in a dream
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
