Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
