so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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