There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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