I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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