Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I just gargled with NyQuil
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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