my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
