After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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