She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Sext me about skeletons
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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