Your face is a jimmy john
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
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