How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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