There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
