I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
