I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I will pee on everything he values.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
