If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
