I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
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