I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Farmville is her only friend.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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