On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
