i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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