we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
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