Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
