how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
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When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
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My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
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