i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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