So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
