No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
