Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
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