What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
