my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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