we're chasing vodka with high fives
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
