Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
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