hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Randomize
