i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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