oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
