I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
