i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
