please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
