The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
True college students do jello shots in the library
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
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