Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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