One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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