I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
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