i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
