Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
