I accidentally had phone sex last night
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
