i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
