is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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