Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
