I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
