Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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