I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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