Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
