he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
