Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
