we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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