I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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