I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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