This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
