Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
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