I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
This baby is an asshole
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
