I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
