He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
