The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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