your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
false alarm, still single
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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