Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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