I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
