My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
