i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Randomize
