and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
