Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
