I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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