i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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