nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
